peacetraveler22: (bear)
peacetraveler22 ([personal profile] peacetraveler22) wrote2013-11-18 10:02 am
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Women, Men and the Dating World

couple

Last week many Americans were in an uproar when a religious speaker offered dating advice to students in a Texas high school. The speaker, known for his conservative Christian views, made the statement that dateable women "know how to shut up." You can read about his speech in this article, but here are some highlights on what makes men and women "dateable" in the speaker's view:

(1) Dateable girls don't monopolize the conversation. They don't tell everything about themselves....she doesn't imagine things to be more than they are.
(2) Dateable girls don't tease. They don't show men hot little bodies and then tell them they can't touch.
(3) Dateable girls let guys be leaders and do guy things like getting a door or opening a ketchup bottle.
(4) "Men of God are wild, not domesticated. They don't live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed." [My note: HOORAY! Wild, man beasts saving the oppressed! This is the most absurd statement he makes.]
(5) Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.

His main advice to women - "first thing you need to understand is that guys are going to lie to you to get what they want and what they want is sex. The end."

What do I think about this?


First, all of these seminars, books and Cosmo articles about finding true love, attracting a mate, etc. are forms of love propaganda. Feeding people's brains with nonsense about what women want, what men want, rules of attraction and other things which are highly subjective. What do people want? All want to be loved and accepted, but the manner in which this is felt and expressed will vary for each person.

This particular speech was given in a religious, conservative Texas town yet many students became enraged and walked out of the assembly. Personally, I don't understand all the controversy. If you take out the religious overtones, most of what he says makes sense to me. Almost all of my friends are men, and I'm frequently surrounded by their girlfriends. I already explained in this post that most of these women make me insane with nonstop chatter. So, I agree women sometimes need to shut up. In the beginning, I appreciate some mystery in a relationship. I try not to tell my whole life story in the first hour of meeting a man. Better to get to know someone gradually, learn their quirks, annoyances and inner charm over time. I think this was the speaker's main point. He didn't say women should have no view point or never speak. If you read me regularly, you know I highly value strong women. Women who speak their mind and make their place in the world, thus I would never advocate for a woman to suppress her individuality or personality to the point of non-existence. To the point she merely becomes a decoration, trophy or play toy for a man. However, there is some value in my favorite saying - "be silent or speak something worth hearing."

Most women, including me, occasionally imagine things to be more than they are. We obsess over actions and words much more than the average man, creating fairy tales in our head when, in reality, the foundation for the castle hasn't even been poured. Why? I don't know the answer, probably just inherent psychological and biological gender differences. However, I don't envision any man as a prince nor myself as a princess. Something strange with the mentality of those who believe they will find the "perfect" someone, or have the ability to mold a man or woman into the soul mate they've imagined all their life. All human beings are flawed. My personal flaws? There are many, but when it comes to the initial stages of dating I'm sometimes emotionally shut down, silent and reserved. Friendly to all, but few people really know or understand me well because I let so few in. Who will date me? A very patient man who is interested in discovering me as a person, not an object.

I don't agree with speaker's assertion that sex is the only thing men want from women. I refuse to believe it. In the speaker's view, men and women can't be merely friends because a single man will always crave sex from a woman in his constant company. I'm not a man, so I can't speak to this fact but I have platonic friendships with single male friends. Are they all dying to get me in bed? Highly doubtful.

Is porn bad for the spirit and the mind? NO, not in moderation but yes if it becomes an addiction like anything else. The rest of his statements are true - men don't want to be emasculated. We know this, no new discovery by this proclamation. Yes, some women are teases, dress provocatively and then get offended when men stare at them or make sexual advances.

In the end, what makes someone dateable? There's no magic formula to the equation. For me, there are certain qualities that are very important but I don't operate off some check-list when I consider a man. If I could create the perfect man he would be intelligent, open minded, creative, humorous, kind, adventurous, and most importantly, flexible. The ability to compromise is essential in relationship sustainability. Physically, I always notice a man's mouth and hair first. I like full lips and wild, wavy, black hair like this guy.

hair

When I was younger, I always dated skinny men but now I prefer more meat on the bone.  In America, there's a sexual saying - "more cushion for the pushin..." I hope you understand. :) I don't want to hug a rock or bag of bones. Necessary to have something to hold onto, to keep me warm and cozy!!  Always, the most attractive feature on any man is an active and evolving mind. A constant quest for knowledge and discovery. This trumps almost everything in my view.

How about you? What qualities do you look for in the opposite sex, personality and looks wise? And for those who are married, what was so special about the person that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him or her?

Related topics: Russian Men vs. American Men , Relationships, Sex and Power , Bridge of Kisses, Moscow

[identity profile] onkel-hans.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 03:27 pm (UTC)(link)
I am afraid it is trivial but for me, of the paramount importance are the eyes.

A have a friend who is a cross-breed of a Mongol and a Swede. She is cross-eyed and her face is round and flat like a frying pan. Her hair is curly and grey. The first week I could not look into her eyes. But later got used to the appearance. She is a brilliant mind. Highly educated and cultured. She is a pleasure to socialize with. And now her eyes look bright and beautiful for me.

[identity profile] asharky.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 03:39 pm (UTC)(link)
))

[identity profile] k-netalie.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 03:46 pm (UTC)(link)
i absolutely agree with you about all types of love advises. everything should go its natural way, i believe. and about all the other points too.
as for my perfect man - i used to have some pictures in my head, but now i really don't know. i believe i'll feel it when i meet him. but frankly speaking, after my unhappy marriage i can hardly imagine someone next to me.

[identity profile] qi-tronic.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 03:55 pm (UTC)(link)
There is still difference between men and women... even when reading you.
You are on a more rational side, not dreaming about princes, but still you are thinkng first about being in relations, but men, as I believe, are thinking first about achievements.

Like here. Taming of fire:
www. youtube. com/watch?v=9V0WBAb0BRg

What men need from women, besides sex and cooking :), is emotional support and balance.
I a woman is an intelligent person and as such can listen to my bright ideas with her mouth open, it's a bonus :)))

If we are talking about physical appearance and marriage then I can say I developed a "male offspring test" a while ago:
For example you like like a woman looks.
Then imagine that you have a son with almost the same face (sons often inherit their looks from mothers).
If you like what you see then it is OK :)

[identity profile] qi-tronic.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 03:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Real_marsel will like you :))

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 04:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Of course people grow on you after time such that you find beauty where it did not initially exist. Normal reaction. I once dated a guy who could be a model, but this is the person to which I was least attracted of all my boyfriends. He wasn't curious about things, a sort of beautiful vegetable existing in life. Of course, looks are often the initial attracting factor but for me the endurance of relations based only on this quality is very, very short. Men are more adept at tolerating bad traits to have a beautiful woman by their side and in bed.

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 04:23 pm (UTC)(link)
You're interesting and intellectual. I can tell by the comments you write. This goes along way with most women. :)

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 04:26 pm (UTC)(link)
"Pictures in my head" - me too when I was younger but not now. Sometimes it's good to be alone!

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 04:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Emotional support and balance, women need this from men also. It's the same for both genders. A woman is an "achievement", I don't understand this concept? I like this article from today. Normally this forum is way too radical for my liking but this post is good. http://feministki.livejournal.com/3116028.html. In some ways, I'm like the woman described here. Exception: I'm not calm from relatively long periods w/out sex. This the worst torture for me, creating some type of hysteria both mentally and physically.

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 04:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Real_marsel is cute! Common problem faced by women. Good looking guys who are 100% gay, interesting and kind.

[identity profile] qi-tronic.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 04:56 pm (UTC)(link)
"
Good looking guys who are 100% gay, interesting and kind.
"
Because they are closer to women.

There was an interesting picture in an article in lenta. ru a while ago.
Generally the article was pro-gay but that picture, a an MRT image, showed that gays have female-type brain activity in some areas. And vice-versa, lesbians have male-type activity.

So, they are naturally closer to the ideal that women want to see :))

[identity profile] qi-tronic.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 05:06 pm (UTC)(link)
I mean, generally men are more targeted to achieve or conquer something, this is not about women only.
This statement number 4 :)

They not necessarily stand for the oppressed (but some do, like Fidel or Che Guevara) but need to have something real in life to be happy, something to say "I have done it!".

In Russia we say (maybe it's not a Russian saying only) that a man has to do 3 things in life: plant a tree, build a house and rise a son.
So, generally, something to leave behind after him.

[identity profile] qi-tronic.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 05:14 pm (UTC)(link)
And about hysteria... you probably have strong energy which can be targeted to develop you supernatural abilities.
Have you seen the "Carrie" movie? :)
Something like that. I'm quite serious.
This energy which you just flush out every day can be moved up into the head to develop things like a third eye...

Бог услышал твои молитвы

[identity profile] andrey-kaminsky.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 05:22 pm (UTC)(link)
If I could create the perfect man he would be intelligent, open minded, creative, humorous, kind, adventurous, and most importantly, flexible(с)
I possess all these qualities, except that I'm not flexible enough, yoga is not one of my hobbies and I can't put legs behind my head as you perhaps like:(
And by the way, this flexibility is necessary for the exercise of sexual fantasies, or to save on tickets while traveling by tucking the frend in the luggage:)

Re: Бог услышал твои молитвы

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 05:25 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm speaking about a different kind of flexibility, and you know it! :) This is all you have to say? You don't want to give me your thesis on relationships, or tell me once again men and women can't be friends?

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 05:27 pm (UTC)(link)
"Plant a tree, build a house and raise a son," we have no similar English expression.

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 05:29 pm (UTC)(link)
Carrie! Yes, I've seen. :) Such supernatural abilities will come in handy during Russian journeys!

[identity profile] yarowind.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 05:41 pm (UTC)(link)
>> And for those who are married, what was so special about the person that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him or her?

I do not know. For the same outlook on life, maybe.

[identity profile] nar-row.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 06:17 pm (UTC)(link)
I didn't have any long relationship at all, not to mention serious.
I don't know what I'm looking for. :)

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 06:18 pm (UTC)(link)
How old are you?

[identity profile] nar-row.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 06:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Twenty five.

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 06:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Hmm, interesting. Better to take your time and find one worthy girl than mess around with a bunch of crazy ones. This is my advice. :))

[identity profile] peacetraveler22.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 06:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Same outlook is very important! Sometimes we can't explain our attractions to or emotions for others, they simply exist.

Re: Бог услышал твои молитвы

[identity profile] andrey-kaminsky.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 06:32 pm (UTC)(link)
My thesis on the relationship is no less wise than the Bible, and for this reason, it takes the same volume. One of the chapters of this book argues that excessive talkativeness is a disadvantage for the person. But another chapter argues: if this person has the appearance of Deborah Kerr in her youth, she can afford to utter any nonsense.
Men and women can be friends, why not, but it is only an imitation, replacement of full relations. Imitation can't be the goal, but only a temporary substitute for a time, until the goal is reached.

[identity profile] nar-row.livejournal.com 2013-11-18 06:32 pm (UTC)(link)
I hardly establish relationships with people. :)
I'm not companionable and I have very few friends.

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