Living Child Free

[peacetraveler22]

I don't have children, and probably never will. I've never had the motherly urge, or felt panic as the biological clock moved forward. At my age, the clock is in alarm mode and there's absolutely no sense of desperation or yearning for a child. Even as a young girl, I never dreamed of a wedding, the white picket fence or kids. I was motivated by new experiences, new sights and new senses. Always with my nose in a book, reading about some distant place or culture rather than feeding baby dolls with imaginary bottles. In some ways, I've always been a wanderer, a free spirit who doesn't wish to be tied down. I like the freedom of a child free life, the ability to decide at the last minute to pack my bags and go with no hesitation or worries.

The truth is I love children, and am surrounded by them at all times. Almost every weekend, I'm at my sister's house spending time with my nephew - the little rascal in this photo. A five year old genius who constantly amazes me with his sense of wonder, his curiosity about the world and things around him. I mentioned before that my mom comes from a large family, ten siblings who have produced a lot of offspring. So, I also have a lot of young cousins and I visit them frequently. For me, it's enough at this point in life.

Sometimes my nephew will pack his bag and spend the weekend at my apartment. A sort of adventure to the "big city." We stare at the Washington Monument from my window, watch airplanes land at National Airport from my balcony, read books and play in the pool. By Sunday evening, I'm completely exhausted and crave peace and quiet. I send him home to mommy and return to normal life with great pleasure. Throughout the week, I speak to him and other cousins on the phone numerous times. Constant contact with the little ones.



When I first started this blog, the thing that amazed me most were the messages I would get from men who suggested that I must be "miserable" without children. It's not "natural" for a woman my age to be unmarried and not have a family. The implication was that I'm some type of flawed or selfish human being for choosing this lifestyle. To me, the more selfish route in life are those who get married and have children merely to conform with societal norms or perceptions of what a woman should be. Women who have children because it's expected, and then simply ignore them, pass them off on nannies and, in the end, produce damaged adults.

If you regularly read my blog, it should be clear that I don't subscribe to traditional views of womanhood. In my mind, a woman's place in the world should be what she wants it to be. Just like a man. This is not some crazy feminist statement, and I respect those who choose the path of housewife and motherhood. These women are the champions of the world, carrying so much responsibility on their shoulders. I count my own mom in the category. She had me at 20 years old, and worked the night shift for many years so she could be with my sister and me during the day. To this day, she remains a huge inspiration in my life.

I'm not opposed to children, and perhaps I'll meet a wonderful man in the next few years and feel the urge to have a baby. Those who know me constantly say I would be a great mom. Despite what some of you think, I am in fact a very caring, thoughtful and nurturing woman. I care deeply about children, and represent neglected and abused ones in the family court system free of charge. I've prosecuted "dead beat" dads who failed to pay child support, and found homes for children who were living with drug addicted and abusive parents. Those who harm innocent children - in my mind these people are the worst scum of the earth.

In America, women in my position are not viewed as abnormal. Fewer women are having babies, and those who do are having them at a much older age. An unmarried woman is not seen as some type of damaged goods. In fact, there are many single women who remain youthful and lively in their 40's, 50's and onward. I count myself in this category. Running around with my partner in crime, causing trouble and having fun as often as possible.



It's my perception that this is another big difference between Russian and American cultures, but maybe I'm wrong. How would I be perceived in Russia as a 40 year old, childless woman? For those who have kids, how did it change your life?

In the end, I feel no obligation to procreate or get married for the sake of others. In the words of the great American poet Robert Frost:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry that I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Comments

How would I be perceived in Russia as a 40 year old, childless woman

[fesma94.livejournal.com]

I don't know about Russia today ,I live in Israel more than 17 years . In this country if you childless woman almost all will feel sorry for you,but not blame. My son has certainly changed my life.I'm so happy when he ask me:" Daddy,I need your help please".

Re: How would I be perceived in Russia as a 40 year old, childless woman

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

There's no need to feel sorry, unless a woman really wants children and can't have them for some reason. I feel the same joy when Aidan asks me for help, or shares exciting news with me. He will finally start kindergarten in a few weeks, and I'll be there with my sister, mom and other families members to see him off on his first day of school. Certain to shed a tear. :))

[cherez-dorogu.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hear frequently that it is high time for me to have baby. And a lot of deprecation if I admit that we are not planning kids as things stand now. But the opinion of some outsiders should not be my problem, I think.
Actually, my attitude has much in common with yours.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

I thought you were male! I'm so happy to see another woman shares my love for curvy, adventurous roads. :) I remember your avatar of the roller-coaster road in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

[togliatt.livejournal.com]

every person on this earth has his mission in this life

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

I agree, but I'm not sure what my mission is yet. :)

[gella-key.livejournal.com]

You know, much has changed in people's attitude towards unmarried and childless women in Russia in recent years. Personally I and my childless female friends of the same age (something over 30) don't feel much pressure. Even when this year I visited a rather remoted small russian town, I didn't face much judgement for being still single and not having babies, not even from my relatives with children, so it's much easier for us here now :-) Although our moms are somewhat worried about our future, but moms are the same everywhere :-)

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

I feel no pressure from my family about kids or marriage. They understand my personality, and there are plenty of other relatives having babies (including my sister).

[dys206.livejournal.com]

> How would I be perceived in Russia as a 40 year old, childless woman?

Sorry, but in Russia they would say that you wasted your life.
But there are child-free women here. Take my sister for example, she is a little older than you are and she is single and perfectly happy with her life as a single and childless woman. It makes our mother unhappy though.
When I meet someone I know but haven't seen for a while one of the obligatory questions to me is "How's your sister? Did she get married?" But it is not such gender-asymmetric as you think because I get such questions about myself too (I am a guy).
In Russia many people just don't believe in things other than family, like it's the only real thing, real value. It's not only cultural, it's historical. Many greatest ideas turned into nothing, many things didn't pass the test of time. For a man or a woman who is looking for some reason in their life there is not so many choices. So yes, many Russians think it is only natural to find their happiness in marriage.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

It's interesting a Russian man would encounter the same questions about being unmarried. I didn't expect this. Family, of course, is still a very important part of American culture and values. As it should be. But the word "family" has many meanings. I don't believe in the concept of a nuclear family. I support single women adopting children, and even same sex parenting. A family can consist of something more than a husband/wife/child. What matters is that there is love and support, not neglect.

[new-forester.livejournal.com]

My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I know plenty of people who don't want to have kids and are happy doing other things. To each his own. Although, I have to say that I find it unfortunate for the humanity that so many smart and educated people choose to remain childless. This slowly erodes the gene pool. I wonder, if eventually we will end up with a world portrayed in the movie "Idiocracy".

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

I've never heard of this film, but looked it up. Interesting concept, I'll be sure to watch. Yes, it sometimes seems those who are prolific at procreation are precisely the type of people who shouldn't be having children in the first place. Wow, that's a lot of words starting with "p" in one sentence!! :)

[efeiya-grassie.livejournal.com]

In a small town a girl of 21 will be asked about marriage first of all. I'm 27.5 and still childless. And most of my relatives are worried about it. To tell the truth, they have great problems, and seem to have a kind of sadistic delight inventing problems for me too :)

I have a very devoted and loving husband, we had our 5th wedding anniversary in May. We want to have children. I personally had the motherly urge when I was 15 - yes, as early as that! But I understand the great responsibility of this new status. So I did my best to bring my children into a friendly world. Now I think, I can afford this.

But planning a child is still an "innovation" in Russia. Most children become a surprise for their parents. Girls are very often afraid of abortion. I've never wanted to find myself in such a situation: to deliver a baby in order not to loose the ability to have children. My mother did so, and this is an ugly and sad experience.

I think, we have so many curious "stakeholders" because of the "barrack syndrome". Our parents and grandparents rarely had a flat for themselves. So we are supposed to be a part of their family. And you can guess, who is supposed to be a boss :)))

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

"But I understand the great responsibility of this new status." You're a wise woman!

"Who is supposed to be boss." :)) Russian man, of course? This will be a topic later in the week. Russian men vs. American men. Stay tuned! :)

[amandakysses.livejournal.com]

Sister having babies?!?!?! Please elaborate. Immediately. My mom always wanted children. But she didn't have me until 27. She figured she would be the cool single aunt to all my cousins. That sounds like an exciting life. To each their own. I think it's so good that people wait until they know they really want children, until they have their adventures and their careers so that when children come they feel happy and blessed and can be devoted amazing parents. I've wanted to be a mother since I was 16. Hopefully someday soon, but who knows when or how it will happen. Marriage and children don't need to go hand in hand either. Everyone should follow their own path, find their own joy. I always wish you continued happiness no matter how it comes to you. Loves! Xoxo

[amandakysses.livejournal.com]

PS- that boy is my favorite! He really is a genius. He blows my mind all the time. Love him! Kiss Aidan for me.
PPS- gotta love Robert Frost!

[moonrainbow.livejournal.com]

This is a lifetime question "what do you leave behind you" and it is a very personal choice. I have no big family surrounding me and feel very uneasy when I imagine myself in an old age totally alone. So I absolutely need kids, and my own kids. But you do have a big family - perhaps this settles all those thoughts down as you see kids around you and know that you will share part of yourself with them.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

I know I'll never be alone in old age because of my large family. You're right, I think it plays a big role in my feelings on the topic.

[mybathroom.livejournal.com]

>>How would I be perceived in Russia as a 40 year old, childless woman?
I think, the most Russians would feel sorry for you (not me!). And I think, you do the right thing - you are the one who you want to be.

>>For those who have kids, how did it change your life?
My son brings a lot of joy in our life. It's miracle!

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

Denis, I believe you're a great dad based on our discussions! Your love for your son shines through. :)

[lotu-s.livejournal.com]

There are doctors in the famous phrase: " do No harm", and in case of birth of a child, it is the responsibility of doubly. Some parents simply not allowed to have children. In Russia at this time often children are left to themselves because parents are too busy or work, or themselves and their problems.
The birth of a child should be internally prepared, really desire it with all your heart. Only Love can grow really a Man, and I agree it's not important here the traditional family or not.
Your question can answer this, this is Your life and Your choice.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

"In Russia at this time often children are left to themselves because parents are too busy or work, or themselves and their problems." Sadly, it's often the case in America as well.

[real-marsel.livejournal.com]

First photo is wonderful! You're so beautiful woman, your hairstyle is astonishing. .What about kids: fully share your opinion. A man must not have children. He does not owe. But if a person becomes schastlvym giving birth to children, and to wish good luck and happiness. I do not want to have children, but is a good nanny, because I have a little brother and sister.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

Little brother and sister certainly keep you busy! Thanks for your compliments. "Hairstyle is astonishing." :) I have really crazy, curly hair. That's why it's always pulled back or under a hat. It takes a lot of effort to tame it. But it's part of my personality, and I like it.

[chanceux-n.livejournal.com]

I also childless adult woman. I've never been married and have no children. it was my choice. but ... Now panic starts .. I'm scared that I'll be alone all my life ... because of the biological clock ... time goes by and soon I will not be able to bear children even if I wanted ...
in Russia is really different attitude to single women without children. they are considered a failure. Now I also consider myself a failure. perhaps because of public opinion .. adult women who have never been married and have no children in Russia are considered second-class product and pathetic at others ...
I completely agree with your opinion regarding children and the responsibility to them ..
and I would like to feel the way you .. I want to be free from public view, but I can not ... I understand that my life as a woman, very soon be over and I'll be all alone ..

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

Your statements make me very sad! You should never consider yourself a failure for the reasons set forth in your message. I hope you find happiness, with a man or on your own. All the best to you.

[noisy-kid.livejournal.com]

I'm Russian, 24 years old, living in Germany. Everytime I go to Moscow to visit my parents and grandparents, all my friends and relatives start to ask me when I will finally get married and have children, saying "you are not that young anymore, you know, the clock is ticking!" I can only imagine how hard it is in Russia for childless women in their thirties and older, who have to listen to this every day. Unfortunately, many people in Russia are lacking any sense of privacy and just keep poking their noses into other people's business.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

You're only 24!! By this reasoning, I'm a dinosaur. :) You study in Germany, or went there for a job? I've traveled there, but only to Nuremberg. Beautiful city!

[south-of-broad.livejournal.com]

The biggest difference between America and Russia is in a sense and a concept of a privacy. We accept each other's choices even if we disagree with them. Politics, education, family business, life style. We all have a right to choose whatever suites us the best. Russian society is built on many-many dogmas of what and how it should be. So if you and your life aren't within the " party lines" - God help you then .
My kids on the other hand came into my life against the odds. According to the doctors I wasn't suppose to have the babies. Just like that. Imagine their (and mine ) surprise ))) Twice) So, yeah, I didn't plan to have my kids, but I am damn happy to have them. Planned or not)

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

My sister and I also were surprises! The stork was busy. :) Yes, I've noticed many Russians only see things in black or white. No room or tolerance for opinions or lifestyles which vary from the norm. My mind doesn't work that way.

[lost-detected.livejournal.com]

And I have two children. Daughter 29 and son 22 years. And no sense. I do not communicate with either her and none with him. A feeling that I just lit as the last idiot.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

Why did you stop communication?

[ikarevitch.livejournal.com]

WTF???

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

What confuses you?

[rider3099.livejournal.com]

I think that if I did not get married in 19 years, then just would not want that.
I am happy that I have a daughter, she is smart and beautiful, but I think that to get married at such a young age and even more - to have children is wrong.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine being married at 19!! However, my parents did it and still act like honeymooners sometimes. So, it works for some but I think it's rare that such relationships last. People change so much even from 19 - 15. Your daughter is beautiful! I've seen her on your blog. :)

When some people in not-overpopulated country

[xpo-xpo-xpo.livejournal.com]

are child-free, this means propaganda works too bad :) Total fertility rate in US is just above two so it's barely enough to maintain population. Society can afford some childless people contributing to the society, but society can't afford fertility rate of two and less :)

Re: When some people in not-overpopulated country

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

And you have children? If so, do they live in America or Russia?

Hey, I remembered what I wanted!

[xpo-xpo-xpo.livejournal.com]

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They are not squirrels, they are even not rodents, they are insectivores. Are they cute? :)

Re: Hey, I remembered what I wanted!

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

Cute? НЕТ! :) Now I will have nightmares tonight about this creepy thing.

[olgor.livejournal.com]

There is absolutely no difference between US and Russia is this aspect. Those women who are educated and strong enough to be honest and live life they want - just doing that. Those who don't - blindly follow along power lines of society field.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

Yes, the women are the same regardless of the country. However, the way society perceives is distinguishable (I think). It's unclear from the comments. Some single/childless women in the comments say that Russia has changed and others say they're still considered losers or failures in modern times.

Well said!

[(Anonymous)]

Well said, my dear friend! You deserve to live life the way you choose to, and have babies when you wish to.

In Indian culture, there is a similar pressure on both men and women to have children. Any childless girl over 30 is frowned upon and questioned like nobody's business. Unfortunate but true.

It is ironic that most of my friends who have babies (I have none) say that having a baby was the best experience of their lives, and yet they complain about the changes in their life due to the baby all the time.

Hopefully, people can realize that they should worry about their own life, than judging others' lives. One's choices are personal, including the decision/timing of having a baby.

-Rocky

Re: Well said!

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

Rocky!! Hello, thanks for your first comment. :) And especially for leaving your name so I know it's you.

Televangelist of the 80s

[andrey-kaminsky.livejournal.com]

An excerpt from a letter of certain apostle to his homosexual friend:
A man existed. When time to feel the love came, he fell in love. An inexperienced and enamored person is defenseless and other people can easily hurt him. These other people weren't evil. They were more experienced and more selfish. The man survived the pain and become more intelligent. He became a merchant. Entering into a relationship with other man, he did not open own soul. He has planned actions, estimated what he has to offer and what can get in return from the partner. He did not share any more than necessary. he prudently exchanged part of his attention and care for the attention and care of another person. Because if you do otherwise, then you can get hurt.
This man has dreamed to have enough strength to stop to trade himself, to lose his protective shell and fall in love. He was vaguely aware that he did not outwit the being by becoming a prudent and cautious, but, on the contrary, being outwitted him by making him the way hi is...
This letter is dropped, for the reason that the Apostle was burned by pagans.

Re: Televangelist of the 80s

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

Again, another interesting fable! Or maybe this story is true? There are people in every culture who refuse to accept those who vary from the traditionalist norm. Such people have concrete views, seeing things only in black and white with no room for variance. This way of thinking is more prevalent in Russia, when compared to America. Americans are forced to be more open-minded for numerous reasons. In my mind, the two biggest factors are: (1) our culture is extremely diverse, we're exposed to a lot of different nationalities and customs; and (2) core freedom of expression rights, where people can openly speak about anything w/out consequence (race, religion, politics, sexuality, etc.). You can disagree with others, but if you sat there and judged everyone with different viewpoints or lifestyles, you would have time in your life for nothing else.

[nosleep0345.livejournal.com]

I'm from Ukraine, but guess it doesn't make much difference with Russia in terms of attitude to child-free women. It is still strange and abnormal. Of course there are quite many women, who are alone and don't have children at your age, but it's rather their misery than a deliberate choice.

I have two adorable boys aged 5 and 1 and when I think back about our life with my wife before they were born, I become more and more confident that we could hardly be happier if we wouldn't have them. Despite all the difficulties of being parents (and believe me, we had to give much more care to our first child comparing to usual babies), I reckon they've brought that additional meaning to our lives that no one else on Earth could bring. You're talking about adventures, travelling, exploring new cultures, being ready to pack your stuff in an hour and go - well, yes that is definitely a strong argument in support of child free concept. But for me my children are the most extreme adventure and "terra incognita" I would never be tired of exploring.

Here is one of my favorite movie scenes, I guess it can tell the whole idea much better than I do.

Позитивное мышление

[andrey-kaminsky.livejournal.com]

I do not think that the point of Shannon is "Travels are better than kids." It seemed to me that the point is as follows: "If you do not developed with kids, then do not be depressed and entertain yourself with something"

[nar-row.livejournal.com]

There are a lot of gays, who cannot have children and want to adopt them.
And there are women, who can have children and... decide not to have children.
That's a real irony of fate.

[peacetraveler22.livejournal.com]

And you support same sex adoption, or no?