peacetraveler22 | Living Child Free

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Living Child Free

I don't have children, and probably never will. I've never had the motherly urge, or felt panic as the biological clock moved forward. At my age, the clock is in alarm mode and there's absolutely no sense of desperation or yearning for a child. Even as a young girl, I never dreamed of a wedding, the white picket fence or kids. I was motivated by new experiences, new sights and new senses. Always with my nose in a book, reading about some distant place or culture rather than feeding baby dolls with imaginary bottles. In some ways, I've always been a wanderer, a free spirit who doesn't wish to be tied down. I like the freedom of a child free life, the ability to decide at the last minute to pack my bags and go with no hesitation or worries.

The truth is I love children, and am surrounded by them at all times. Almost every weekend, I'm at my sister's house spending time with my nephew - the little rascal in this photo. A five year old genius who constantly amazes me with his sense of wonder, his curiosity about the world and things around him. I mentioned before that my mom comes from a large family, ten siblings who have produced a lot of offspring. So, I also have a lot of young cousins and I visit them frequently. For me, it's enough at this point in life.

Sometimes my nephew will pack his bag and spend the weekend at my apartment. A sort of adventure to the "big city." We stare at the Washington Monument from my window, watch airplanes land at National Airport from my balcony, read books and play in the pool. By Sunday evening, I'm completely exhausted and crave peace and quiet. I send him home to mommy and return to normal life with great pleasure. Throughout the week, I speak to him and other cousins on the phone numerous times. Constant contact with the little ones.

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When I first started this blog, the thing that amazed me most were the messages I would get from men who suggested that I must be "miserable" without children. It's not "natural" for a woman my age to be unmarried and not have a family. The implication was that I'm some type of flawed or selfish human being for choosing this lifestyle. To me, the more selfish route in life are those who get married and have children merely to conform with societal norms or perceptions of what a woman should be. Women who have children because it's expected, and then simply ignore them, pass them off on nannies and, in the end, produce damaged adults.

If you regularly read my blog, it should be clear that I don't subscribe to traditional views of womanhood. In my mind, a woman's place in the world should be what she wants it to be. Just like a man. This is not some crazy feminist statement, and I respect those who choose the path of housewife and motherhood. These women are the champions of the world, carrying so much responsibility on their shoulders. I count my own mom in the category. She had me at 20 years old, and worked the night shift for many years so she could be with my sister and me during the day. To this day, she remains a huge inspiration in my life.

I'm not opposed to children, and perhaps I'll meet a wonderful man in the next few years and feel the urge to have a baby. Those who know me constantly say I would be a great mom. Despite what some of you think, I am in fact a very caring, thoughtful and nurturing woman. I care deeply about children, and represent neglected and abused ones in the family court system free of charge. I've prosecuted "dead beat" dads who failed to pay child support, and found homes for children who were living with drug addicted and abusive parents. Those who harm innocent children - in my mind these people are the worst scum of the earth.

In America, women in my position are not viewed as abnormal. Fewer women are having babies, and those who do are having them at a much older age. An unmarried woman is not seen as some type of damaged goods. In fact, there are many single women who remain youthful and lively in their 40's, 50's and onward. I count myself in this category. Running around with my partner in crime, causing trouble and having fun as often as possible.

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It's my perception that this is another big difference between Russian and American cultures, but maybe I'm wrong. How would I be perceived in Russia as a 40 year old, childless woman? For those who have kids, how did it change your life?

In the end, I feel no obligation to procreate or get married for the sake of others. In the words of the great American poet Robert Frost:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry that I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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There is absolutely no difference between US and Russia is this aspect. Those women who are educated and strong enough to be honest and live life they want - just doing that. Those who don't - blindly follow along power lines of society field.

Something I never noticed, that in Russia of childless women was considered second-class people. Now everybody so obsessed at the quarries, and all kinds of businesses that woman slowly but surely takes the position of men. All the more likely to notice women drivers and men sitting near. Here in the times of the Soviet Union, the unmarried and childless woman looked askance, she too stood out, and now all busy, children left for the second, the third plan. I have daughter, she is 18. When it comes to children, she says: My grandchildren don't wait, I'm not going to give birth, may be ever adopt... so...

Well said, my dear friend! You deserve to live life the way you choose to, and have babies when you wish to.

In Indian culture, there is a similar pressure on both men and women to have children. Any childless girl over 30 is frowned upon and questioned like nobody's business. Unfortunate but true.

It is ironic that most of my friends who have babies (I have none) say that having a baby was the best experience of their lives, and yet they complain about the changes in their life due to the baby all the time.

Hopefully, people can realize that they should worry about their own life, than judging others' lives. One's choices are personal, including the decision/timing of having a baby.

-Rocky

An excerpt from a letter of certain apostle to his homosexual friend:
A man existed. When time to feel the love came, he fell in love. An inexperienced and enamored person is defenseless and other people can easily hurt him. These other people weren't evil. They were more experienced and more selfish. The man survived the pain and become more intelligent. He became a merchant. Entering into a relationship with other man, he did not open own soul. He has planned actions, estimated what he has to offer and what can get in return from the partner. He did not share any more than necessary. he prudently exchanged part of his attention and care for the attention and care of another person. Because if you do otherwise, then you can get hurt.
This man has dreamed to have enough strength to stop to trade himself, to lose his protective shell and fall in love. He was vaguely aware that he did not outwit the being by becoming a prudent and cautious, but, on the contrary, being outwitted him by making him the way hi is...
This letter is dropped, for the reason that the Apostle was burned by pagans.

Edited 2013-08-21 07:10 (UTC)

I have sister and niece but it's not same. I'm on duty 7x24 for kid . What about you with Aidan ? I'm sure that you lovely aunt , but not mom , sorry

I'm from Ukraine, but guess it doesn't make much difference with Russia in terms of attitude to child-free women. It is still strange and abnormal. Of course there are quite many women, who are alone and don't have children at your age, but it's rather their misery than a deliberate choice.

I have two adorable boys aged 5 and 1 and when I think back about our life with my wife before they were born, I become more and more confident that we could hardly be happier if we wouldn't have them. Despite all the difficulties of being parents (and believe me, we had to give much more care to our first child comparing to usual babies), I reckon they've brought that additional meaning to our lives that no one else on Earth could bring. You're talking about adventures, travelling, exploring new cultures, being ready to pack your stuff in an hour and go - well, yes that is definitely a strong argument in support of child free concept. But for me my children are the most extreme adventure and "terra incognita" I would never be tired of exploring.

Here is one of my favorite movie scenes, I guess it can tell the whole idea much better than I do.

It was just general words about responsibility as it's quite common understanding of responsibility when people call their cowardice "responsibility" :)

There are a lot of gays, who cannot have children and want to adopt them.
And there are women, who can have children and... decide not to have children.
That's a real irony of fate.

I do not think that the point of Shannon is "Travels are better than kids." It seemed to me that the point is as follows: "If you do not developed with kids, then do not be depressed and entertain yourself with something"

Well, it wasn't my point either. I'm not trying to teach anyone, I just wanted to explain my choice.

Oh, leave your negative to yourself :) If you think that visiting dentists and other specialists BEFORE one's pregnancy is cowardice... than I'll make a pokerface :)))

But I think that it is partly true - many people use similar explanations when they don't want to have children. But I do want. Everything I do now is done for them. I hope to see them very soon ^_^

Ты счастливчик.

I'd rather show you a picture, what happens to a woman in Russian if she is 40 and not married.
inscription on the poster:
"Hi, we have heard that you have 40 years and you're still not married? perhaps we'll stay here!"

Btw, he knows a lot of world capitals and is very good at geography and identifying country flags. He can look at almost any flag and tell you the country. And he has a Russian flag hanging in his room, which I bought for him during my trip. :)

Rocky!! Hello, thanks for your first comment. :) And especially for leaving your name so I know it's you.

Hey, Sannon. I`m not judge to you, it` your way of life. I`m only enjoy your post.
The Washington Monument, is it a a "pencil"?
Tomorrow i`ll send same thoughts.

You're right, it's not the same as if he were my own child. Only a woman who has carried a baby in the womb for nine months will have that intense connection to the child. But I'm a cool aunt! We have a lot of fun together, and when he gets older I will take him overseas. He already has a strong desire to travel.

:))) Is this a modern cartoon, or from Soviet times? When Sasha stayed with me in winter, we watched a lot of old Soviet cartoons. Interesting. Btw, have you ever seen people on the streets in America who have their child on leashes to better control them? I really hate this!! The cartoon reminded me of that.

Edited 2013-08-21 13:29 (UTC)

Yes, the women are the same regardless of the country. However, the way society perceives is distinguishable (I think). It's unclear from the comments. Some single/childless women in the comments say that Russia has changed and others say they're still considered losers or failures in modern times.

Lost in Translation - a wonderful film! I love Ukraine. :) I traveled to Kyiv and Uman a few years ago.

And you support same sex adoption, or no?

Haha!! It's a joke in American culture too. Old unmarried woman, living alone with a lot of cats. :))

Yes, it's also referred to as "the pencil." It's currently undergoing repairs due to earthquake damage. They put ugly scaffolding on it, but decided to light it up at night. Now, it's amazing. Here's a photo of the view I stare at each night from my window:

Again, another interesting fable! Or maybe this story is true? There are people in every culture who refuse to accept those who vary from the traditionalist norm. Such people have concrete views, seeing things only in black and white with no room for variance. This way of thinking is more prevalent in Russia, when compared to America. Americans are forced to be more open-minded for numerous reasons. In my mind, the two biggest factors are: (1) our culture is extremely diverse, we're exposed to a lot of different nationalities and customs; and (2) core freedom of expression rights, where people can openly speak about anything w/out consequence (race, religion, politics, sexuality, etc.). You can disagree with others, but if you sat there and judged everyone with different viewpoints or lifestyles, you would have time in your life for nothing else.

Edited 2013-08-21 13:51 (UTC)

I do not think the reason is culture. Life in Russia is difficult, and most recently, was terrible. Lonely woman was doomed to a very miserable existence. Life changes, but the consciousness of people is changing more slowly than life.

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Living Child Free

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Well said!

Televangelist of the 80s

Re: How would I be perceived in Russia as a 40 year old, childless woman

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There was nothing about you!

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Позитивное мышление

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way of life

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Re: It's just mother with her little children!!!

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